Appetite, passion, chemistry... We use all kinds of words and concepts to describe sexuality. We like to imagine it as something magical, driven by a wild and innate impulse. However, the real fuel behind sexuality is desire. Whether you call it libido or sexual desire, it is the conductor of this orchestra. While desire is often portrayed as spontaneous, its mechanisms are actually much more complex. Various factors come into play in awakening—or suppressing—desire, both physiological and psychological. Let’s dive into it!
A Quick Bio 101 Lesson
Let’s start with the basics. When our body reacts to sexual stimulation, we call it a sexual response. This phenomenon primarily manifests physically: the body gets to work, like the vagina lubricating, vulva lips swelling, erections forming, and testicles retracting. The equation seems simple: physical touch results in a physical response. While partly true, the brain plays a leading role in this process. To fully understand, picture a circuit linking erogenous zones to the brain: both influence each other and constantly communicate, like a dance.
For example, if your partner runs their hand over your vulva, nerve endings feel the touch and send a signal to the brain. The brain decodes this signal and decides whether it finds the sensation pleasurable. If so, it sends a signal back to the genitals to continue the sexual response. This is the core of sexual arousal, a neurological and physiological loop. Through this constant dialogue, desire begins to manifest physically: warmth, a racing heartbeat, and heightened sensations in erogenous zones. Throughout sexual activity, this loop continues to fuel itself, creating pleasure, pleasure, pleasure.
But let’s not forget that this circuit also works in reverse. After all, the brain remains the largest sexual organ, rich with erotic imagination. Sexual desire can begin with a psychological stimulus: seeing your partner undress, for instance, may send a jolt of excitement to your genitals. In this case, the brain reads the situation first, sends a signal to the genitals, and activates sexual arousal. Amazing, isn’t it?
Desire Is a State of Mind
If you've read previous blogs, you know that sexual desire needs the right context to flourish. Beyond physical performance, sexuality is a state of mind. Desire blooms during moments when we are aligned with life's pleasures, our senses, curiosity, and vitality.
Understanding Your "Accelerators"
To better understand desire, we can think of "accelerators" and "brakes." Accelerators are elements that ignite desire, while brakes hinder it. For desire to thrive, accelerators must be activated, and brakes must be released. Accelerators include romantic exchanges, music, pleasant scents, and sexual novelty. Brakes can range from work stress to negative body image. Interestingly, these factors aren’t always directly related to sexuality, yet they influence sexual desire because our general mood affects our mindset.
Sexual Excitement: A Cycle?
In 2001, sexologist Rosemary Basson proposed a model explaining sexual arousal and response as a cycle rather than a linear progression. This model highlights that the starting point of sexual response varies among individuals. For some, desire initiates the cycle, while for others, it begins with physical stimulation or emotional intimacy. Understanding this cycle is crucial because many people experience desire only after sexual excitement has begun. This is particularly common among women and vulva-owners. The key is consent: engaging in sexual activity should be consensual, even if desire develops later.
Am I Normal?
This question crosses everyone’s mind at some point. In a society that values conformity, it’s natural to feel vulnerable about your sexuality. Sexual desire fluctuates based on life phases, health, mood, and external factors. Desire is fluid and varies not only between individuals but within ourselves over time.
Changing How We View Sexual Desire
Instead of pressuring ourselves to "have more desire," we need to change our mindset and focus on emotional well-being. Sexuality thrives when we release expectations and allow desire to emerge naturally. After all, forcing desire is counterproductive. Embracing this fluidity can lead to more authentic and fulfilling intimate experiences.
This summer, take time to listen to your desires. They have so much to tell you.